“He won’t roll with me because I am a woman” and other concerns…
One of my teammates told me he does not want to roll with me because I am a woman. He says his wife will not let him roll other women. I am concerned that the Atos sexual abuse allegations might be partially to blame and worry that it is going to affect my school and how people treat me.
At the end of the day, I would try not to take one guy’s refusal to roll you too personally …and potentially take it as a gift or beneficial warning. It is a different story if teammates refusing to train with you becomes a SYSTEMIC PATTERN at the school, that suddenly you don't have anyone to roll with or feel respected. Here’s why…
The “my wife won’t let me roll a woman” guy exists in a lot of places. This excuse says a lot about him, his wife’s lack of understanding of jiu-jitsu, and the trust they have in their relationship and has nothing to do with you (a woman who is training hard, working to be taken seriously, and looking for quality training partners). It’s unfortunate, but not necessarily indicative of a larger, toxic gym problem. You don’t have to own his baggage and can look to others in the gym for quality training.
Furthermore, if someone doesn't want to roll you, for whatever reason, it may sting a little bit, but it also bolsters YOUR ability to say no to anyone in return. It allows everyone agency in their training and a feeling of safety. I believe this is an important thing to have in place for women, to be able to say "not today" if they don't feel safe or comfortable for whatever reason. So again, as long as it is not a systemic, general exclusion of you because of your gender, don’t let it get you down and keep finding those training partners that are valuable to you and find value in you!
As for the anxiety about backlash from the Atos sexual abuse allegations….
The bottom line is that the teammates who are truly our allies are not going to treat you differently because of public repercussions for men being heinous at other schools. If a guy stops training with you because of sexual abuse happening in another school on the other side of the country that you have no affiliation with, it says more about him than the actual situation. It's similar to the overreaction that some guys that had when the Me Too movement really gained some momentum by saying "Well, I guess I can't even date now"...it’s a response, that at best, lacks nuance and allyship and, at worst, is a serious red flag about him and his true intentions or feelings.
Even in a great gym with great leadership, there can be an individual that is not dangerous but who doesn’t know how to relate to you as a teammate and training partner. My advice is to steer clear of that person and know it’s probably not about you.
When is behavior like this a serious problem?
· When “Not rolling with women” is a gym-wide pattern, where all of a sudden as a woman you don’t have sufficient training partners
· The guy that won’t roll you is disrespecting you in other ways, encouraging others to do the same, or even just making a public deal out of it that feels embarrassing
· It is a systemic problem backed or ignored by leadership
Keep doing you, ladies…train hard, be joyful, and remember that you are a valuable part of your gym!
